My brain is in turmoil, my heart has sunken to the bottom of my feet. Another attack. Children. This time they targeted children. Children. I don’t know what to think anymore. I am, first and foremost, a mom. Everything I do is for my children. Whether it’s a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, love in their hearts or exploring the world. I am a mom. What I do, what I say, matters. It shapes young minds.
Now my mind is filled with such anger. My internal pendulum has swung far right. Close the borders. Hate all muslims. Bomb the middle east. My soul is dirty and disgusting. I don’t want to share it. Show it. I certainly don’t want to die and face St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Not like this. This is not really me.
The real me is loving, compassionate, a good Catholic. I strive to walk in Jesus’ footsteps. To love my fellow neighbors, all of them. Not just the easy to love, but also those that are hard, scary, not-Christian. All the people. I have served on mission trips. I have served on my doorstep. I have fed people living in the poorest of conditions. I have clothed them. I have loved them. I have watched them die. I have prayed for them.
The thing is, they are not really a “them”. They are people. They are a person. Each individual person is a wonder of God. A blessing. A grace. Each person matters. I believe this. I do. And yet, since yesterday all the individuals have blended together into a they. The they who is responsible for yesterday’s attack in Manchester. The news says: ISIS Claims Responsibility. And that is the rub. There is no one person to hate. There is no one leader. There is no one person calling the shots. It is an entire group. It is a They.
And they are smart. They know this about me. About us. They send out their jihadists mixed indiscernible with their refugees. Refugees who have lived a horrible existence. Hungry. Homeless. Lost. Refugees who desperately need saving from the terror in their own homeland. My heart aches to help. Not just my heart, my brain tells me this is the rational thing to do. Help. My soul commands me to help. It is not my job to judge. And then. They attack children. The individuals blend together again and become a they. They are not okay.
I want to protect my children from Them. I don’t want a world where our entire way of life is under attack. Not just physical attacks, but the slow insidious infiltration of our societies. Changing what is normal. Accepted. Embraced. I don’t want my daughter growing up knowing she is anything less than equal. Anything less than her brothers. I want her to feel the world is her oyster. She can be anyone. She can wear anything. She can speak any words. She has freedom to learn, work, travel, love, live. Choice. All of these freedoms are in danger. Especially for women.
How do I balance her right to freedom? How do I balance my hate? How do I continue to walk in His footsteps without a clear path?
I am lost.
Pray for Manchester
Your words speak to and for many of us who are shocked by this latest attack. It’s so hard not to hate them…
Beautifully spoken, heartfelt and echoing my own heart breaking feelings and thoughts at this time. This was on MY back doorstep. This hurt people I know and love and care about. This felt personal. I know it wasn’t but it doesn’t stop it feeling like that. How do we move on, move forward, try to continue to care about the strangers standing next to us, needing our help, our compassion, our love? We must. That is all. We must stand tall, stand together and continue to do what is right, for our childrens sake. Most of all, we must never decend into the hateful pit that ‘they’ occupy. If we do, we are as lost as they are.
Beautifully said, it’s all so sad.
Your thoughts are certainly no darker than mine right now. When people devoutly follow a holy book that tells them it is their duty to commit jihad on the infidels (ALL of us non-muslims) or at least support them with funding, how can we not consider them a “they”. This happened in England and I’m in the U.S., but I can’t help but think how easy it would be for it to happen here….at a concert, at a Husker game, at a celebration or fair with big crowds. Honestly, at this point in time, I’m all for rounding up all the refugees (and when I see pictures of them, mostly military aged men, I doubt that a lot of them are truly refugees) and just giving them a free trip back where they come from or putting them in camps where they are confined and controlled. Stating these thoughts will no doubt get me labeled a “racist”. We just need to get over worrying about that label and do what needs to be done to protect our own way of life. I sure as heck don’t want to think of my granddaughters living under Sharia law. My prayers for all those affected by this cowardly attack in Manchester.
Your post is spot-on. It brought tears to my eyes; it tugged at my heart-strings; it echoed my feelings & frustrations.
Ditto what Ann said — thanks for opening up your heart & sharing your thoughts & feelings.
Well said, Toiny! I’m sure you’ve said what most of us are feeling.
Very well said, Toiny! My family and I are feeling your pain and trying to reconcile that with our faith. That said, I am still firmly in solidarity with Linda in NE!
It is nice to know I’m not the only one thinking these very thoughts. Any person who hurts a child doesn’t deserve to breathe air and yet, God loves them too. It is difficult for me to comprehend this but I know it is true. They hurt their own so why not others? And yet, God loves them and wants them to see Him for who He is. He wants them to do the right thing. Books were written for these terrorists to tell them how to act, feel, preserve, and yet they destroy all that is beautiful and good in this world. And yet, God will never give up on them or us. Hard to understand and hard to forgive, but one day, after the pain has lessened, we will be able to because we will never stop trying to walk in His footsteps. So, go ahead, be angry, be hateful, scream if you want, it is all a part of the healing process until we can do the right thing. The world is workin on it too!!
I think your words echo what we are all feeling right now! They killed our children and it is so hard not to hate but then I think, “What is that teaching our children who still have a long life ahead of them?” I don’t want them to grow up knowing nothing but hate and fear. Fear of the unknown; fear of other races and religions. All we can do is pray that God will give us guidance and help us to find a solution. Pray for the wounded and pray for the grieving who have lost loved ones. Pray for peace in our world.
One thing at issue here is that most of these recent attacks have been perpetrated by natural born citizens not refugees.
The Bible commands us to love our enemies, but to hate sin. So we love them, but hate what they do. Loving them includes praying that some day they see the light and change their lives to reflect that of the Lord.
Murder of innocents is sin. We must protect our families and nations against those whose whole life purpose is to corrupt our faith and kill us.
@Toiny and @Boo
The comments you both made are so eloquently put and speak to the entire problem. The tragedy, the despair, and finally the hope of coming out of this and continuing to remain a caring and compassionate human being. At this point in time, sometimes that hope is all we have left.
This is just so hard to come to grips with and to remain faithful to God. I think we can hate the evil that another has allowed to enter his/her soul but really believe we must never give up praying for God to touch and reach that soul. All of us are given free will by our God and He will never take that free will away from us. I truly believe these terrorists are the manifestation of evil in our time and by their own choice. I think that if they were truly trying to follow God that God would never forsake them and hand them over to the evil one. I want this evil force removed from our world by whatever means it takes to do so and I do not apologize for thinking this and saying it. I do not believe all Muslims are terrorists. We have had wars on and off through the years where many were killed; I don’t believe God disowns us for killing the Nazi’s. I am Catholic and ever so thankful for the many ways God speaks to each one of us, and if we get on the wrong track so thankful that He steps in to get us back on the right track. I really count on Him to be doing that with me and especially so now when I really want all evil terrorists wiped out. Must say I am having a struggle with this wish for the evil terrorists. Over the years when I have been called for jury duty in death penalty cases the judges dismiss me when I have to respond to their question to me whether I could find a person guilty if he/she were to receive the death penalty. Guess I have never given up hope that each person convicted of murder may have a total turning to God before they leave this world. But here with the evil terrorists I want them destroyed by whatever means it takes to do so. Hard to come to grips with all these feelings I have going on inside of me.