I am numb. I’ve raced through the five stages of grief and I’ve stalled between bargaining & acceptance. Maybe it’s depression. Maybe depression is numbness. All I can do is sit & stare & cry. I’ve lost a friend. A beautiful, crazy, big-hearted, amazingly talented friend. And her husband. And her son. Her “Dane”. My heart physically hurts.

Amber Shaw, her husband Larry and 12-year-old son Elijah died in a horrific house fire this past weekend. Their daughter Devan escaped by jumping from a second story window, with minor injuries. Her other two children were not at home. I woke up Sunday morning to posts on Facebook. Obviously all lies. But I checked. It was true.

I have been checking and rechecking the news. Her Facebook. There is no longer any denying it. It is true. Amber, Larry and Elijah are gone.  It is cruel. Horrible. Unfair. I still want to scream why, WHY?!!?!? And why now? WHY NOW!?

Amber & I first met almost a decade ago when she joined the team here at The Studio as Ruby Lane Designs. We were both new at our craft, me as a store owner, Amber as a Scrapbook Designer. We were both moms, our kids overlapped in age. We especially bonded over our youngest, Dane & Elijah are months apart in age. Both are sensitive, active, keep-us-on-our-toes boys. Both are cuddle-bunnies. They are exactly what moms wish their youngest would be.

We struggled with our older kids. My mom always said “Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems.” Amber & I discovered together how true that is. We leaned on each other. Sometimes I leaned harder, sometimes Amber did. Our friendship was so perfect.  The only thing that wasn’t was the distance. She was in the states, I am in Germany. This summer, this August, I was going to hold her in my arms and never let go. For real. She lives an hour & half from Soren. I was so excited! Amber was so excited! Finally! After all these years.

It’s not to be. It’s never to be. WHY!?!! I am so mad! I am so angry! I am so sad! WHY!?! I was going to stand next to Larry & Amber was going to take pictures… the giant & the dwarf. We laughed just thinking about it. I can hear Larry laughing in the background. I can still hear him! How can he be gone? How can something slay that giant of a man? That strong, beautiful, invincible man? How?

I’ve refreshed the news page a million times. Maybe two million times. I thought if I know the cause of the fire, why it happened, maybe I’d find some peace. Instead I learned Amber survived the fire only to die at the hospital. That doesn’t make it better. It makes it worse.  I just want to call her and be there. I want to fly over and hold her. I want to ask her how she is doing. Is she okay? How are the kids? How is Elijah? And I can’t. She is no longer there and it hurts my heart so much.

I am spending too much time on me. My loss is nothing. Amber & Larry have three surviving kids. Suddenly, horribly, left alone without both parents. I want to wave my magic wand & make it better for them. I can’t. I feel so helpless. I feel so awful. I cannot imagine how they feel. And my heart hurts even more.

Amber was an amazingly talented artist. Before she became a Scrapbook Designer Amber painted murals in homes. I had begged her for years to come to Germany and paint one on my wall. Someday she was going to. Someday she was going to leave me an art piece in my home. A painting I could look on, enjoy, and remember her. Someday is never going to get here.

Amber created beautiful perfumes. Soft, lightly-scented, feminine fragances. I have one stick left. One tiny, smaller-than-a-chapstick, hand-crafted by Amber perfume stick. It’s here on my desk. I hold it in my hand & cry. I take off the top & smell it and I can picture her crafting that scent. Her scent. And I cry. I can’t stop crying.

Amber had a strong drive to provide for her family. She had hustle. Get up and go. She never stopped working. Never stopped improving. She had more determination in her body than most people do in their little finger. I admired her and supported her and cheered her on every step of the way. When she left The Studio years ago, it didn’t end our friendship. We are too alike. We need each other. I helped get her perfume webstore up & running. I encouraged her to keep getting her art out there. Amber is a truly talented artist. Not just good, but always improving. Getting better.

The past year, the tables finally turned. Things were going Ambers way. She was on the brink of amazing success. Not just a Digital Scrapbook Designer, but as a Designer. Not even two days after her death, her first collection for Project Life was released at Becky Higgins. So aptly called: Everday Hero’s.

A little over a week ago Amber had a booth at Blue Print Shows – New York at the Hudson Mercantile.  Amber wrote:

We’ve had lots of Art Directors stopping by and the girls just messaged me that I have many buyers interested in licensing a bunch of my work. I’m waiting for them to send over those contacts. Kind of surreal that it’s happening!

After so many years of hard work, blood, sweat, tears, Amber’s dream was finally coming true. Wide recognition for the true talent she has. Recognition in print. Real, tangible, recognition. I am so damn proud of her! She did it! She worked & worked & never gave up. She made it. And fire destroyed it in one fell, final swoop.

Amber was my friend. She will always be my friend. She lives on in my heart. In her artwork. In her surving kids. I just wish she was still here. I wish it so much.

Robin, the owner at Sweet Shoppe Designs, will keep Ambers Sweet Shoppe Store open until she’s had time to process this loss. I have no doubt the Scrapbooking Community will come together to create something beautiful in Amber’s memory to help support her children.

Likewise, Becky Higgins LLC will continue to sell Ambers designs including the not-yet released physical products and on the app. All monies earned will go to Ambers surviving children.

Ambers best friend, Karen Dilling has set-up a GoFundMe to help pay for the funerals of all three; Amber, Larry and Elijah. Please do donate if you can help.

You can read the news story and watch the video at Wane.com. They have updated the story to include their names and deaths. The cause of the fire has not yet been released.

I have no photo’s of me & Amber. I never will. I’ve looked through her photo’s of her, her family, of Elijah and I can’t stop crying. I can’t pick one. It’s not possible that they are gone. That Elijah is gone. In the pictures his spirit shines through. He is so lively, so alive. I can’t yet accept this loss. Not yet. Not now.

Instead, I will share the photo on the news. The photo on the gofundme. Amber & Larry together last summer. Amber & Larry together forever. I know you are up in Heaven, with our Lord & Savior. I know you are at peace. I wish knowing made my heart hurt loss. I love you!