It is freezing here. I mean that in every sense of the word. It is freezing. Below zero freezing. We’ve hit the coldest week since we got to Germany, more than 11 years ago. It’s still not as cold as Minnesota on a warm day in winter, but it’s below zero. It’s freezing.
Even worse though, they’ve frozen our lockdown. We are locked down longer. Frozen in place. My spirit is demoralized. The view out my window is only so great when I get frequent reminders of how great it is. When it’s all I see, its greatness fades away and despair sets in.
I wish I was being dramatic. I’m not. I’m having daily, sometimes hourly, conversations with myself.
“This too shall pass.”
“You are still healthy.”
“Everyone you love is healthy.”
“Your dad got his first vaccination.”
“You have Skype! FaceTime! Internet! So much more than your Oma had.”
“Think of the money you are saving!”
The conversations get longer each day, and each day my little burst of happiness post-conversation gets shorter. I miss leaving the house for more than my daily walk, or twice-a-week rapid shopping trips. I’m finding my character is not as sound as I thought. I’m overwhelmed with jealousy and anger. I can barely look at Facebook. My friends status updates overwhelm me with negative feelings.
I have friends in restaurants, bars, sporting events, even Disney World! What the hell? What the actual hell? I can’t even have my friend & her husband over. I can’t even play a board game, in my own home, with friends. With a friend, sure. Not two. Definitely not three.
I’m losing myself.